Aber TV:Chapter 4

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#Aber TV Episode 4

6.00am AberWorld University

Educational resource programme designed for student scum to record with the video recorders their parents bought for them. Today: Life Before Bandwidth. A history of student life before the advent of cheap and plentiful Internet bandwidth which all students now have as a basic human right; from the first wet string networks up until the wail and screams technology of the yesteryear (not broadcast in Crewe)


8.00am Masterchef

Cookery magazine show. Today: Lambie explains how to purchase a steak pie from the Spar. With Lambie.


9.00am Morning Rage

The channel's ageing population all drag themselves to work in time to host this daily dose of caffeine-deprived anger and intolerance. Today: Stuii shreds all his post indiscriminately without even opening any of it; and Woodsta destroys three college lecturers with just one rapid crutch movement.


10.00am Asan's Morning Buffer Update

Random contributions of conversations that ended hours ago as Asan gets into work and reads his entire buffer. Includes preview of Do Keep Up, on at midday.


11.00am Possible Lunch

Eppa hosts another edition of this daytime food discussion show, which presents myriad gastronomic options to people who can't ever make up their damned mind over what to have to lunch. With Eppa. Sponsored by Pret A Manger and that sandwich shop down the road from Eppa's office. I think, maybe. I don't know? Hmmmm.


12.00pm Do Keep Up

Immense sighing and smugness as the afternoon channel members arrive and post all the URLs from BBC News that the morning shift found and posted hours ago (repeat)


2.00pm Fuck Off Dubyah

Our parent nation the United States of America wakes up, allowing us to wait in awe as our great leader President Bush Jnr. addresses us with another balanced, unbiased and statesmanlike speech about the preservation of freedom through the destruction of pesky US-funded dictatorships. God bless the United Kingdom of America.


3.00pm Changing Hovels

Home improvement magazine show. This week's edition presents a practical guide on purchasing your very first home, sorting out the essentials like the gigabit fibre local area network, and then moving on to the less important matters such as fixing the roof and modernising the outside toilet, all on a shoestring, graduate loan or just a mere red tape budget. With Surfr and Kitten (but not Woodsta).


4.00pm Time Team: Chronology Failure

Skilled researchers scour the web for suitable material for the #aber SCM Chronology, but all they can find are pictures of heavily tattooed men shoving marrows up their arses. Despite this blatant failure, the researchers proceed to claim that it resembles random channel members in a year that's obviously outside the range of the Chronology. With Parpicus (repeat)


5.00pm Lavery Commune Big Brother

The latest news from the house. New interactive features are accessible by pressing the red button on your remote control keypad: Vote for the housemate you would like to deprive of DSL for the day, and see the results in the late night update.


6.00pm Fat Camp

All the fat knackers head off en-masse to their weekly Weight Watchers meeting, fully braced for the inevitable failure that will confront them the second they step onto the scales. Incomprehension is then rapidly followed by quick reminders from other channel members of what they probably shouldn't have eaten over the past week, supported by many on-channel log searches.


7.00pm Eppa's Modern Life.

Fly on the wall documentary following a hopeless marketing victim in the west end, caught in an endless cycle of pawning his worldly possessions each month to pay for the next trip to Muji, and gawping gormlessly at anything vaguely female in the vicinity in the hopes that this will lead to getting laid, leading to the climax in the series finale when he finally proposes to the GOHD. Maybe. I'm not sure? Hmmmm. With Eppa.


8.00pm Irene Raymond Worship

Daily admiration and idolisation of the marvellous Roberta Taylor, who plays Gina Gold in popular ITV police drama series "The Bill". Today: Inspector Gold knees some bloke in the crotch and tells Sergeant Wesley to fuck off. With Roberta Taylor.


9.00pm Pot Idles

Twelve irrelevant repulsive Wesleys are whittled down through an extensive spirit crushing selection process in order to find the most inert, pointless waster in the whole of Aber. The winner receives a hardship grant and an Audi ferfree onnastick.


10.00pm Hive Mind TV Heckling

Intercranial TV critic show employing extensive use of the Har Hur Heh Hiearchy through the common neural network of the #aber hive mind. Tonight: Squirming Special, including The Office, I'm Alan Partridge and Newsnight.


12.00am Help! I'm A Colostomy Case, Get Me Out Of Here!

Parpicus tries out helpful appliances for the more mature channel member. With Parpicus.


1.00am Lavery Commune Big Brother Update

Late night update. The "winner" of the DSL deprivation vote is revealed, followed by great bitterness and destruction of common desktop objects.


2.00am Can't Cock Won't Cock

Breeder channel members are subjected to unrelenting flirting and innuendos by the resident poofs and imports from #queer in attempts to turn them to the fabled "brown side". With Jimbob.


3.00am It's Not Like The Old Days

(repeat of a repeat) (subtitles)


4.00am Nightgate: DSCM-1

Late night film: An elite squadron of drunken seasoned channel members completely lose all perception of time and resolve to battle through against all odds until it starts to get light again. But tragedy strikes when one SCM realises he didn't file his papers at the start of his voyage through the night and must stand accountable for his terrible violations of channel conduct. With Woodsta and Surfr.