Aber TV:Chapter 3

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#Aber TV Episode 3

8.00 am Kill-Roy

Woodsta and Mr_Scod host another daytime open discussion programme specialising in the various methods in which it might be possible to kill rival talk show host Killroy. Today: The feasibility of concealing a large spike in your knickers just in case he sits on your lap and grins at you.

9.00 am Honest Elta's Hardware Bazaar

Eltawater presents another edition of his award winning hardware review and advice programme. Digital subscribers can take advantage of a new interactive service which allows access directly into the hardware abstraction layer of Elta's brain. Press RED to start. Press the button. Press the fucking button. Just press the fucking button.

10.00 am AskBidds

The daily Q&A session with the ever knowledgeable Bidds, our special guest from #blighty. Today: Bidds covers topics such as mathematical differentiation, the merits of leased lines in the bathroom, and why it's completely impossible for hanging baskets to exist effectively in temperate climates without sufficient soil elusions. Follow-up questions from yesterday's programme which covered jet ski fuel octanes and bars in London with more than one "Z" in their poncy names will also be answered. This is a pay-per-view programme, Bidds claims to have an expensive girlfriend.

11.00 am Hippah Cuisine

Cookery programme specialising in food and meals for hippahs. This week: 101 things to do with nettles, and why lentils are evil and must be destroyed. Also, helping your family cope with your abnormal flatulence. With Ciaran.

12.00 pm WebMonkey Workshop

Tips and tricks for budding web designers. Part 1: Essential tools for becoming a web consultant. Covers various Macromedia products and CuteFTP. Next week: Understanding why programmers and administrators become really angry with you almost every day. With Ricey.

1.00 pm The Gulp, Jimbob and Spod Afternoon Show

Another 3 hours of smut and tit-for-tat abuse as the contestants attempt to grasp the grand prize of a smirk out of one of the masters before being banned, while the others lapse into a deep sulk until tomorrow's edition. With Gulp, Jimbob and Spod. [repeat]

4.00 pm Chatroom Channel

An hour of sex chatroom emulation, where all the viewers change their nick to represent the format <name><age><sex>, and proceed to demand sex and "hot chat" in capital letters interjected with exaggerated indications of laughter. The programme will abruptly end, keeping consistent with the act of cybersex itself. Allegedly. Warning: Viewers may feel slightly embarrassed at the end of the programme.

5.00 pm London Anger Omnibus

Regional news magazine for viewers living in and around the London area. Tonight - important travel news resulting from an accident involving Myles attempting to punch a moving underground train; and a special report from EasyEverything in Trafalgar Square, where volunteers from a local clothing recycling centre are handing out reconditioned green sweaters to the customers in most need of them.

6.00 pm SG1 Review

Detailed discussion about the science fiction series Stargate SG1, which is emerging as a very popular contender to the usual Star Trek suspects. This week: Teal'c is spotted on the 18:26 Thames Trains service from London Paddington to Twyford, where he reports to the passengers "this is my first journey aboard a public transport rail vehicle, I find your inferior methods of mass transit quite unsatisfactory", whilst tilting his head to one side and smirking slightly. With Lambie and Stuii.

8.00 pm Discwatch UK

Appeal programme which asks the public for help with solving crimes and atrocities committed on DiscWorld over the past week. Today, we need your help in finding the ogre who brutally murdered the slabby troll children with a worm sword outside a kebab shop in Ankh-Morpork on Wednesday night. The Watch so far have very little clue as to the perpetrator's identity, other than a set of car keys to a Volkswagen Polo found near to the mutilated corpses.

10.00 pm Panorama: That's Racist

Political commentary on the latest developments in TWAT, which invariably dares to discuss racial issues and therefore immediately qualifies for being branded as racist. Today: A special report on the logic behind the statements made by the Taleban such as "we shall be victorious ... in death!". With Dr. Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah.

12.00 am Luxury!

Successor to the former "Reminisci-Hour" show, this programme diversifies from it's coverage of ancient computer hardware to include present day topics such as student life, the ability to take a proper lunch, and various methods of Internet access. This week: Measuring the bitterness created by "wails'n'screams" Internet connection devices from the previous century, also known as "modems".

1.30 am The Bitterness Maze

Obscure training programme for younger viewers, where they must complete a lengthy set of tasks set by the masters in order to augment their bitterness and resentment. Features an impossible end-game, where the contestants attempt to achieve the impossible in a dome filled with bile, while bystanders point and laugh.

3.00 am All-Nighter

Spectre and Hypnos experience their first bit of student stress as they are forced to stay up all night and watch Superduck do their work for them while they direct all their efforts into avoiding the use of IRCii.

5.00 am AberNET FuckUP

Russian roulette game show in which Rhydio Ltd's computer system must choose at random a manner in which to suddenly fail for no reason or explanation. Possible outcomes include ADSL failure and random servers shitting themselves when they realise that rogue Apache processes have used all the memory. This programme may cause a broadcast outage if it is successful, ironically.